It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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