I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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