I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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