Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
