Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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