so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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