p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
