Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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