no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
