The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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