god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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