i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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