How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
