yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
