Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
