there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
