I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
