the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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