She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
