I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
