Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
