Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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