I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
