something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
