woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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