So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
