i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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