i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Its about making memories worth repressing
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
