But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
