It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
