And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
