I puked a lego.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
