the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
