I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
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