I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Buhtt sex?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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