who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
