my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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