I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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