I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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