That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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