i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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