theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
