What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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