I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
This baby is an asshole
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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