Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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