News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
