Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
