you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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