my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
So. Much. Porn.
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