The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
